Looking after Fred: Caring for a partner in mental distress

CARERS' feelings can often go unseen and unconsidered when the person they love is in mental distress.

Carers all over the world, most with no training, no previous experience of dealing with mental distress and no time off, face situations on a daily basis that mental health professionals would find challenging.

This honest post illustrates a common dilemma for carers - how can we balance our love for those who want our help, the risk of our relationship falling apart and the stress that caring puts on our own mental wellbeing?

Deepest thanks to our anonymous writer...

When I contacted Lyn I had no idea how I was going to share my story and even now I've started I still don't. Hopefully the words will come as I type.  

I have experienced (I won't use sufferered or any similar word because while it had a negative impact at the time, the outcome was very positive) depression as a teenager and post-natal depression after my first child. Now though, I'm a carer. A carer to Fred, my partner.

Fred's father was diagnosed with schizophrenia long before he was born and his childhood was affected by this. He tells me very little about life when his father was around but his mother is much more open about it. She's told me how his moods ranged from aggressive and volatile to catatonic. He once tried to gouge Fred's sisters eyes out. He would wallk down the shop but be found wandering through the town centre not knowing where he was. He would urinate in the kitchen sink, keep bottles of milk behind the toilet.

I understand it couldn't have been easy growing up knowing, even if not understanding, that your father was ill.

Fred led an average life up until 2005. He had a good job and was satisfied if not happy. It changed when he was involved in a car accident. He believes this caused his depression through post-traumatic stress although various mental health professionals have told him that this purely acted as a catalyst, something that pushed something that was already there to the surface.

I didn't meet Fred until late 2008. He was 'normal' for want of a better word. We met when I was going through a tough time and he was my rock. I think being my rock had a negative impact on him in the long run because he hasn't been the same since.

I believe his mental health, since then, has deteriorated at an alarming rate. In the last 22 months he has gone from being able to cope with everyday situations to becoming forgetful and unpredictable. I'm constantly reminding him to do something or another. Up to the point I am writing this, he hasn't had a shower (or a bath) in nine days, despite my constant nagging. He's paranoid and avoids social situations like the plague. He sleeps whenever he's sat down, so I try to keep him as active as possible by helping with tasks like cleaning the dishes or pegging the washing out. Simple things. Things I know he is able to do. It's not easy and sometimes it feels like I have three children, not two.

He has a tendency to lie or make things up that he believes are true. He tells me regularly that it's me who is depressed and not him. Sometimes this causes me to doubt myself, but having experienced depression I can safely say I'm not depressed at the moment. Stressed maybe, but not depressed.

He has counselling once a week and his medication has been upped three times in the last eight months, but I don't fell they are getting any closer to finding out which of the various mental illnesses it is. I worry daily about how our lives are going to be affected if he continues to deteriorate as he is now. I'm concerned about what our future together will bring, I wonder if we have a future.

I'm terrified that his mental health will have detrimental effects on our children and yes, part of me wonders if our relationship is worth these possible effects. Sometimes I feel like walking away but then I think about why I've stuck it out. I love him and I know he loves me in his own way. When we met and when I decided to enter into our relationship, I made a decision then to love him 'in sickness and in health', just as I would if we were married. I guess this is what that means. 

Support Organisations:

Dealing with Depression

The Princess Royal Trust for Carers

Image: Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Comments

[Suzi Shaw]

OMG, Anon...
I am sitting here in tears reading your beautiful,yet full of pain post. I want to congratulate you for speaking out and for saying how things truly are.
I feel your pain. I was there with my partner (now husband) and everything you have written I have tried to explain to people for years. It's one of the reasons that DWD was started - to give carers and families somewhere to talk to. I relate to EVERY word you write, including the nagging to have a bath.
Please don't do what I did though and make Fred your entire life and shut everyone and everything out. You still need to be you. You are in fact a much better carer if you do get a break now and again, take it from one who has been there (and is still now and again). It DOES get better lovely...
I want to give you a huge hug, and to make you a cup of tea and be there for YOU to talk to. If ever you do want to, then please do...

Hugest hugest hugs and huge congratulations for sharing something so painful and yet realistic.

[Lyn]

Thanks Suzi, for showing our writer support; for your excellent advice and for letting us know about Dealing with Depression. I'll add it as a link at the end of the post so that people can find it easily.

I'll make sure our writer knows that you've supported her and ask her to pop along and respond. I'm sure she'll appreciate everyone's support.

Thanks again x

[Holly]

Hi Linda, I wrote this post http://hollishobby.blogspot.com/2010/06/anatomy-of-depression.html that Josie used as a prompt for her writing workshop on depression. I suffer and I write about it on Holly's Hobby quite a bit. What a brilliant idea to have a blog about it. Do you accept contributors? Holly x

[Lyn]

Hi Holly,

Thanks for posting your post. We certainly do accept contributions. If you would like to get in touch, just drop me an email at lyndijenkins @ googlemail . com

Thanks for coming along and making contact,

Lyn J and Linda J

p.s. we promise that we didn't set out to confuse people by having the same name and initials :)

[New Mummy]

Thank you for sharing this with us, I can't imagine how tough this must be for you both, you are a very strong woman x