What a difference a year makes

By New Mummy

I DIDN'T realise how hard this post was going to be to write when I started it.

I’m not ashamed of suffering with depression but it’s not something I shout about either. I’ve had "blah" days (sometimes weeks or months) for as long as I can remember.

I think they started in my early teens but I can’t really be sure.

I would lock myself away in my room reading or listening to music and hide away from the world, people just thought I was being a typical teenager and left me to it.

As I got older I learnt to cope with my "blah" days and often no-one would notice, they would pass and life would go on. In July 2006 I was on top of the world, I had just finished five years of studying and had been promoted at work.

But just a year later I was signed off work with stress and depression and was taking antidepressants and sleeping pills. What a difference a year makes.

Work had become increasingly more stressful and it was becoming evident I was not experienced enough for the role I had been given, I had asked for support but it wasn’t given.

I was working 14 hours a day and I started to have problems sleeping, I felt completely drained and very very low. The lowest point for me was my 27th birthday,

I had a few days off from work, my other half took me out for a day of shopping and lunch I was miserable the whole day. I felt sick and had a feeling of dread in my stomach, that night I broke down in tears at the thought of having to go back to work the next day.

I rang in sick the next day and they day after and the day after. I went to see the doctor, who said I was suffering with stress related depression and her prescribed me antidepressants and some sleeping tablets.

He also signed me off work for two weeks and a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. This was the first time I had ever been to see anyone about my depression and it felt good. I had 10 weeks off and work and to be honest I never returned, my manager’s idea of supporting me was to constantly ring me to see when I was coming back and an over to demote me to a department I had no experience in.

The best thing for me to do was leave. It took some time but eventually the depression lifted and I came off the pills and I haven’t had to take them since.

I still have "blah" days. Me and my daughter stay in and have a p-j day.

My 'other half' understands I have down days and is there to support me when I need it.

I do find it hard to talk about my depression, I hid it from family for ages until I left my job and had to let them know what was going on, they were really supportive and made me feel at ease about what I was going through.

Today is a good day.

Photo by iheartlinen on flickr. 

Comments

[Linda]

NM, so many people reading this post will identify with you, I certainly do. - I hope they can find strength from your post. Thank you for telling your story.

[Nick MDC]

Carol, it's funny, isn't it, how it is so hard to come clean about depression and yet it "feels" so much better when you do. As Linda says, so many people will read this post and identify with you - with your "blah" days, with not quite knowing there was a "problem" and then finally "breaking down". How lucky you are to have a husband who understands what you have been through - and who clearly still understands what you need to get by. I often think that just being "allowed" to have down days, pyjama days as you call them, goes a long way to keeping good mental health. Often it is the pressure to "be ok" which allows the depression to insidiously take hold. Being able to just "be" how you want to be and to just feel how you feel is one huge step to finding some sustained sense of balance.

Your post really moved and inspired me. It's really so brave of you to talk about your experiences so candidly. If just one person gains comfort from reading what you write, there is no greater recompense than that...

xx

[Susan Mann]

What an amazing and heartfelt post Carol. I can so relate. I have up and down days. I'm still seeing a counsellor and I am on anti depressants. I find it very hard to admit I have post natal depression or depression. You are very brave and I can imagine it helps to talk about it. It helped me when I mentioned some stuff regarding my scar. Thank you for sharing. xx

[Sarah Goodwin]

Thank you for sharing this. I have never suffered with depression but have major pmt symptoms. They last about a week and its my very small glimpse into another way of living. I often think what would life be like if i felt like it all the time. x

[Julie Creegan-Bell]

I often say to people 'you are my hero' when they say something i like enjoy or agree with. Its kind of like my catch phrase but after reading this today you genuinely are 'my hero'.
You made me cry and smile all at once. I have suffered with depression and apart from my immediate family I have only ever told 3 people because circumstances meant I had to. Im not embarassed or ashamed just have always kept my ups and downs private. The fact you wrote this made me want to put in out there somewhere. So here it is.
You my friend are an inspiration and btw have a wonderful beatiful ittle girl.xxxx

[Nickie@Typecast]

For you to talk out about the way you sometimes feel, Carol, will hopefully help other to understand that they are not alone with this feeling. I am shocked at your manager's attitude. It sounds like they had never had to deal with anything like this before (although that's no excuse) and it could have been handled so differently.

PJ days sound quite fun actually :)

[Josie]

Finally a chance to comment.

You are so brave honey and should be SO proud of everything you have come through. You took charge of your life at such a rough time in your life, that takes a lot of courage. I think sometimes the decisions to stop, let go, are the hardest.

Bad days are ok, god only knows I have enough of them. Bad days mean you are human and still learning and that life is hard, which it IS!

Never doubt that you are doing brilliantly, because you are. Behind you all the way, falling down lots but picking myself back up again too :)

x

[singlemamasrock]

BLESS YOU - so proud of you darling - know only too well how hard it can be - and me and the kids have had our pj days too!! BUt you have done so brilliantly in recognising it and getting support. Took me a long time - but life so much better now. take care
xo

[Jo Beaufoix]

Carol I'm one of those people who read your post and thought, yep, this sound like me. I've suffered with depression for as long as I can remember. Sounds like you've done a lot to help yourself and you're also good at looking after yourself on the blah days. Keep plodding lovely, I think that's what we all learn to do with this kind of illness. Keep plodding. x

[New Mummy]

Linda – Thank you for the opportunity to write about this, you have no idea how much it has helped.
Nick – Thank you for your kind work Nick, you’re right I feel so much better know I’ve written about it
Susan Mann – Thank you, I’m not sure I’m really that brave but it does help to talk
Sarah Goodwin – I can have really bad mood swings at my time of the month so I know how that feels
Julie – I’m so glad I’m helped you admit it as well, feels good doesn’t it??
Nickie@typecast – I won’t go into what type of manger she is!! But thank you
Josie – Thank you, that means a lot
Singlemamasrock – Thank you my lovely, you are my hero and have always been
Jo - I like that ‘plodding along’