Bulimia: A vicious and dangerous cycle, by Insomniac Mummy

DIETS -- we love to hate them, but for many women, they can be a trigger for much deeper issues, writes InsomniacMummy.

During my late teens and early 20s  I suffered with bulimia.

The details aren’t pretty.

I was a slave to a starve, binge and purge cycle. I’d starve for days on end then binge eat until I had to make myself physically sick. Often eating in private as I didn’t want to be seen eating. Then came the release of the purge. The false feeling of control and power it gave me kept me locked in the perpetual cycle.

I was once almost shamed into stopping by my brother. I’ve never quite got over the embarrassment of him coming to stay and finding an unemptied bucket of sick in my bedroom. You’d think a wake up call like that would stop me. But sadly no. Yes I felt ashamed but to give up would be to lose control.

Back in the mid 90s, when my illness was at it’s most ferocious, I couldn’t get through a day without making myself sick. It was like a control mechanism, the one aspect of my life that I had power over. I even had friends who wanted me to teach them how to vomit on demand. Bulimia was almost considered fashionable, which was possibly why so many people just let me get on with it, like I was following some sort of twisted trend.

I was prescribed antidepressants and in spite of having told the doctor about my eating habits, I was not offered any other help.

To look at me you would never have known I had an eating disorder. I suspect genetics played a hand in making sure I never dropped below a UK size 10. When I was going through rough patches, I’d go through weeks where I’d eat nothing more than a chocolate bar or a bag of crisps each day. If I got hungry, I’d cook myself a huge meal, then I’d feel that sense of shame and self loathing welling up inside, telling me that I’d lost control and to regain it I’d have to purge myself.

It was a vicious and dangerous cycle. I made myself sick so often I’d often bring up blood from rips in my oesophagus caused by the constant retching. I also had episodes of self harming.

There was no medical intervention for me. No rehab or counselling. It was an illness that I had to conquer alone. It’s subsidence coincided with meeting my husband and the control it ‘gave’ me gradually became less and less significant.

I’d like to tell you that I’m completely cured, but I think that once you have suffered with an eating disorder, there are always triggers that can begin to occasionally let those negative controlling habits creep back in. My triggers are certain foods and stress. These days I probably have one single relapse a year, but I try not to dwell on it if I do.

So, it is with much trepidation that I have begun dieting again. I’m careful to lose weight slowly and sensibly. The second it becomes the number one obsession in my life, is the second I stop and take stock.

My one hope, in all of this, is that I do not pass these neuroses about food onto my children.

That is one thing I pray is not beyond my control.

Photo by JodiGreen on Flickr

* A fuller version of this post originally appeared on InsomniacMummy.

Comments

[Diane]

Wow, very powerful post - I admire you for being so honest, that's very brave of you, and very important as I know eating disorders seem to thrive in secret. Thanks for sharing. x

[Mydaddycooks]

Powerful, brave and very important, Ellie. So many people suffer from eating disorders in silence (and often in denial and/or simply not realising it) that it is so important to have people like you who have the courage and eloquence to speak out...

[Linda]

IM, I couldn't agree more with Diane and Mydaddycooks - look at how far you have come, what a star you are. xx

[Manda]

Well done for getting where you are now. A friend of mine was the same for a year or so, she had to hide her frail figure behind layers and layers of clothes and baggy jumpers. Being a mum of two she doesn't want her kids to develop the same thoughts as she, and although eating better, she still needs to keep a strong mind. Its hard, but keep it up - your story of strength may just be that trigger in a readers mind to help them stop. x

[New Mummy]

Thank you for sharing this with us, you are very brave and very strong x

[Patchwork Bird]

Oh Ellie, My heart goes out to you. You're very brave for sharing - hopefully it will be of use to other women that also suffer from bulimia.

[Anon]

Thanks for this post. I've had to deal with this in my family and know the sickness in containers episodes only too well.

I remember walking into the bedroom where a family member was staying once to tidy up and seeing a huge round tin of Celebrations. I know I was a bit naughty thinking 'ooh, I'll nick one of those' as they weren't mine. I remember flicking the lid off and just stopping before my fingers touched the vomit that filled the container. I never realised until then how bad bulimia could get. What a sight it must of been: me crying because of the pain the person I loved must be in to do this to themselves, and retching myself as I poured their vomit down the toilet.

I didn't appreciated how ingenious the hiding places for vomit-filled containers could get. Even now, I don't understand how anyone could control being sick into a pop bottle without it going everywhere.

The worst part was sitting on public transport, hearing people talk about this member of the family and saying they wished they could get a 'disorder' like that.

It is an horrendous experience for all involved and I appreciate how much of a toll it can have on relationships to deal with this while trying to make sure you don't add to that person's feelings of shame...or your own for not been able to do anything.

Thank you so much for this post. The more people realise what the reality of bulimia is, how vicious and pernicious it is...the less they will find it so fashionable...or at least, here's hoping.

[Insomniac Mummy]

Thanks for all your comments. I'm just on my way out to work but will reply properly this evening.

x

[Insomniac Mummy]

Diane - Thanks. I think you're spot on, they do thrive in secret and I hope that by 'coming out' it will help in some small way. x

MyDaddyCooks - Thank you lovely. x

Linda - Thanks for posting the article here. Until I wrote this I'd never documented it so fully before. Reading it back I'm quite shocked at how extreme all sounds, but also proud that I got through it all and now recognise the triggers etc.

New Mummy - Thanks lovely. x

Patchwork Bird - Thanks, if one person recognises a glimpse of a situation they're in then writing it all down was worth it.

Anon - First I'd like to give you a ((hug)). Selfishly, I never considered the effect I could have on others when my bulimia was at it's worst. I think you become so immersed in the cycle and the need to control that you are blinded.

It is shocking that some consider eating disorders fashionable. The reality, as you are aware, is far from glamourous.

((More Hugs)) xx

The odd thing about writing this all down has been that even though all the comments I've received, both here and on my blog, have been very supportive, I've found it very hard to reply to them. I've no idea why!

[Jo Beaufoix]

Big hugs Ellie. We have a lot in common lovely. Can't wait to catch up in July. xx