How has mental illness affected your friendships?

THERE have been many times in my life when my behaviour has left a lot to be desired.

Some of these, I can blame on depression.

Looking back, I can see that my unrecognised illness sometimes made me hell to be around.

Many lovely friends were there for me, through thick and thin.

Others weren't.

I can't blame them. I was a massive pain in the arse.

I remember one friend, whom I'd met in a foreign country, coming over to see me and other mates who'd had an amazing time together as we worked overseas.

But during their all-too-brief visit, I was teary, full of self-doubt and emotionally needy. While others played frisbee on a beautiful summer afternoon, I sat at the sidelines and scowled. I berated this gorgeous man who had travelled half way round the world for some imagined snub and drank myself into a stupour, hurling foul-mouthed insults at no target in particular.

Really, it was me I was so pissed off with. I was in so much pain but refused to acknowledge this for a second. 

My American friend told me straight: "Linda, I'm not to blame for your depression."

His words should have been a wake up call. They weren't. I carried on as normal, apologising profusely for being said pain in the arse and we fell out of touch.  

This isn't an earth shattering story I know, but now that I am well, I can see more clearly how much it has affected me.

How about you? Have your friends been understanding or do you feel you lost out ever? [Linda]

Comments

[Susie]

The fact that I often suffer in silence has definitely cost me friendships, because I have never had the confidence or courage to talk to other people about how I am feeling. I have felt most comfortable at home with my family. Consequently, I have become quite a lonely person. Sometimes I long for a friend who I can call and just talk to, someone who I can meet up with for a coffee, someone who "gets" me and who I feel comfortable talking to & who will listen to me, without prejudice.

There is definitely a stigma attached to mental illness and talking about it is hard. When you are already feeling down, finding that extra bit of confidence to open up to friends can be struggle. Rather than make that struggle, I have opted to keep quiet. And that makes me sad

[Ellen Arnison]

This is a really interesting subject. How much of someone's behavior is down to their mental health? And because it's an 'illness' do we/ should we put up with it? I've seen it from both sides having had friends with depression and had PND myself. Susie talks about wanting someone who 'gets' her, but what if one's condition means they are making themselves impossible to 'get'?

[Rosie Scribble]

This is a very complicated issue, I reackon. I had a lot of 'anorexic' friends but as they got well they fell by the way side and moved on to other things; we were left with very little in common. Equally, as I got well I distanced myself from people who were ill when it reached the point that I felt guilty for being well when they were still ill and I felt I'd done all I could to support them, or when their own health was having a detrimental affect on my own, and I'd worked hard to reach the pointI was at and I needed to put myself first, selfish as it may sound. I think it is very hard when you suffer from any form of mental health problem because I think you definitely need understanding from others. It is important to understand it from your friends' perspectives too and that can be difficult. It seems important to be as open as possible about how you are feeling yet that isn't always easy. I've lost a lot of friends along the way because they just haven't understood my behaviour. I can be difficult to really get inside someone's head. I don't think it affects just friendships but also relationships with family members too. If they walk away it can make life very hard indeed.

[Linda]

Susie, sweetheart, it makes me sad too.

Don't suffer in silence - I am so sorry if that sounds simplistic - but you mustn't. I will be back to reply properly later.

Ellen - absolutely - I know that when I have been down I am a nightmare. But I do think that people who know us and love us can be expected to make *some* allowances.

Rosie - that's really interesting, I will be back!

[Forever Learning]

Hi, My mental health has definitely affected my friendships in a negative way. Sadly, I think that it is inevitable that friendships 'suffer'. Unfortunately it makes it no easier to accept and cope with the reality.
Depression led to me withdrawing, not phoning friends, not engaging in conversation, not going out. I've had times of extreme loneliness.
Now, OCD is making it difficult for me to do various things, and that too is impacting on my friendships.
Some friendships have faded into the distance, and all except one have changed in a negative way. I am fortunate some are still in contact with me, and I have a couple of friends who visit me. But I still feel extremely lonely and isolated at times.
Things that have helped me cope with loneliness, include going to a group that provides support for people with mental health problems. There I have found a group of people, who have accepted me without judgement, who are pleased to see me however I am, and it fulfils my need to belong. The other thing that has been a huge help is the internet. Twitter helps me to remain connected with the outside world - communication with other people. Plus I have recently found the world of blogs. But at the end of the day, sometimes the feeling of loneliness is truly extreme.
I have had times when I have blamed my friends for somehow not meeting my needs. But I also realise that it is far from easy for them too.

Apologies for length of this.

[Linda]

Don't apologise, by sharing your experience so thoughtfully you are really helping others you know. I'm so sorry you have also felt lonely, much love to you. I do hope to reply more later.

[Jo Beaufoix]

My mental health has definitely affected my friendships in that I have at times misjudged things, not been able to go out, or just not talked enough. But what has made me most sad and angry is when a friend who I've been very supportive of with their own issues, blamed my tackling her about a different issue, on my 'illness'. It was easier to tell me that I'm ill, rather than except I may have a valid point and that I was making it as carefully as I could.

It's perhaps easier for some people to dismiss your thoughts, feelings and opinions if you've had a mental health issue, or have an ongoing one. I suppose I never expected my illness to be thrown at me by someone who's been equally ill. Then again I also have to accept that maybe that person wasn't strong enough to be there for me, or to hear what I was saying. I'm sad, but I really wish her well.

[Fi]

It is inevitable that friendships suffer in some ways. I know that when I am feeling down, I don't want to inflict myself on other people so hide away. This then means that what I actually need is exactly what I am pushing away. I find it easier to shut myself away, but this makes things worse. Some friends and family just tell me I'm being negative and that I should sort myself out otherwise they don't want anything to do with me. I have even been accused of jealousy, but what they don't understand is my feeling of low self worth. I am scared to see the doctor, not because of the stigma, but because I don't want to be reliant on chemicals that may change my chemical imbalance the other way so that I can never function without them.

[Jay M]

Sadly my friends (at the time) were as far from understanding as they could be, often telling me to "just cheer up already" and "just get over it", even when I called out to them desperate for help. They made little attempt what was going on, and even in a better frame of mind now, I look back and know that, quite frankly, they were too busy enjoying their own lives than to hang around and help me.
That's ok though, I was more than likely too much for them to take on, given that I ended up in a mental health home.
Sadly most previous friendships ended because of lack of understanding. Mental health is still such a taboo subject for so many; the more we talk about it the more help and understanding we'll have...right?

[Jane Alexander]

Another great post, Linda - and another one I can relate to, oh so well.
Yes, like you, I have had friends who have stuck by me through thick and thin and others who have slunk off, as they liked Up Jane, not Down and Dreary Jane.
Like you, I never blamed them - I think it's incredibly hard to understand depression unless you have experienced it yourself. I know friends were just itching to say 'oh FFS, just pull yourself together' and (FFS) I felt the same way.

jxxx

[Jo Beauoix]

Fi please don't be scared of seeing the doctor. Sometimes we need a little help, and that doesn't have to mean chemical help. I'm in a position where I need that help right now as I have a hormonal condition that has also led to mental health symptoms. But I know if I had wanted to try other treatments then I would have been supported.

Just talking to someone can help, and they may go on to offer you counselling, or other kinds of therapy. Doctors know so much more about mental health issues now. Maybe they could also help you find a way to explain to your family that depression is an illness and not a case of you being negative, selfish or whatever else we may have been accused off. There is a chemical imbalance that needs to be righted, and low self esteem only feeds these feelings of sadness.

Big hugs. I hope you get the help you need. It is ok to ask. You are worth it, and you're stronger than you know. I realised that through counselling when I was reminded that I had come this far in spite of my illness and the situations I had been in. It's good to remind yourself of that sometimes. Take care. x

[Lyn]

Thanks for posting this, Linda. I'm afraid that I can honestly say I don't have a single friend from my pre-postnatal depression days...though to be fair I was young and had a baby while my friends we doing A levels and going off to uni, so that had a big impact too. I can remember a couple of them popping round to see me once or twice but once they realised that not only did I have a baby, but I was also always in my dressing gown eating whole cakes straight from the box, crying and generally uncommunicative, they vanished. Not surprising really :)

But, that's okay, because I have wonderful friends now and it taught me a very good lesson while I was young - only allow people into your life who nurture you, who you are and who you want to be. I wouldn't trade that lesson for anything.

[Linda]

Hi everyone, to those of you have written that your mental illness has brought you loneliness, all I can do is send you all my love and tell you with hand on heart that I hope the situation improves. I am not in any way qualified to advise on these things, but for me, it all starts with being kinder to yourself. There are people out there who will love you as a friend, who will want your friendship and won't let your illness get in the way. We all have our ups and downs. Please try and be kinder to yourself, find a way to find friends, how can you do this? I wish I knew. Have you got blogs? Can you start one? Look at the response my posts have got on here - it brings me such a sense of relief to know people understand and still want to be my friend. Why not find more peace of mind through blogging? Just a thought. You are of course free to chat on here, by email etc any time - check out online support groups, join communities, find like-minded people - we are everywhere! Much love xxx

[Jane]

This is a great post Linda.....so true. :(