'Mummy, what's the black dog?' How do you explain mental illness to children?

BLOGGER Tattie Weasle wrote earlier this month about how she talks about her depression to her children.

It's a post that really got me thinking.

When I was ill, I used to tell my daughters that "sometimes I get a bit sad."

That seemed to do. They were very young but they greeted this news with a cuddle and a "I love you" - which was very nice of course.

I didn't feel I needed to protect them from my illness. I felt they should know. I wasn't my normal self and they needed to know why. They'd already noticed a change in me and I didn't want them to be more confused than they already were by this.

I have always wanted to be open with my children. I didn't want explaining my illness to become awkward or difficult, or yet another reason for me to feel under pressure in the swirling fog of sadness and confusion which was already gripping me.

My memory of those days is pretty vague to be honest. But I am very happy to have shared how I was feeling with my family. I appreciate that my illness wasn't as serious as others. But when our family has been touched by other episodes of mental illness, my simple explanation came out again, this time referring to others close to us. Again, it seemed to do.

I hope to return to this theme with some input from an expert in a later post. But for now, here are some tips I have found from a site called Mentalhelp.net:

Here are some messages children need to hear:

The depression is not your fault.

You can’t fix it and you are not responsible for taking care of me.

I still love you, and I will make sure that if I can’t take care of your needs, I will find another adult who can (be sure to be specific about what need and who will meet them).

You are not alone. Many adults care about you (it helps to make a list of who). You may talk to them when you need to.

It is OK to have whatever feelings you have about this (you may have to help a child identify and name the feelings, and find outlets for expressing them such as drawing or physical activity).

It is OK to ask for what you need.

Please share your tips and experiences related to explaining mental illness to children in the comments. I hope that by adding our real life experiences we can help others in a similar situation find the help they need.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to comment.

Much love.

Comments

[Jess]

Take photos and keep a memory box to help them and you remind you of the good days. Explain there will be bad ones but emphasise the good ones.

As best you can keep to routine, on the days the world is to black to move get someone else to take the to school / clubs etc.

On the black days let me join you in your pit (our name for the days I can't move from the armchair, bed). Some days I can't / couldn't (?) read to them but we'd all cuddle and my husband / child would read.

And keep pushing the message that this 'isn't' their fault. So often we tell kids they make us sad when they do x, y an z it's importan to keep pushing that this is a different kind of sad and has nothing to do with them.

[Linda]

Thank you Jess for taking the time to comment so fully and thoughtfully. The point about it not being their fault can't be stressed enough, can it?

[Sam]

This is a great post and one which is so important to get right. I grew up with 2 parents who were depressed and I dearly wish that they had told me, at some point, that their depression was not your fault and that 'you can’t fix it and you are not responsible for taking care of me' because that is exactly how I did feel.

I now suffer bouts of depression myself and am determined not to pass that burden of guilt onto my children. I think the natural instinct is to hide and protect them from the dark feelings, but children are incredibly perceptive, and I'm sure a simple & straightforward acknowledgement is a far healthier way to move forward.

Thanks for writing this post x

[Linda]

Thank you Sam for sharing your experience (at www.gotyourhandsfull.com) I hope we can overcome those 'natural' feelings as children are very perceptive.

[Dulwich Divorcee]

I always used to pretend nothing was happening to the children. Not very sensible! Thanks for writing about this x

[TheMadHouse]

I grew up with a mother who sufferd mental illness and still does and I was determined that my children were not left to feel the same way as I did about it. I always thought that it was my fauly, she always said that if she had the choice she wouldnt have children again!

So when my depression reared its head after the birth of Mini, I was thankful in many ways that Maxi was only 15 months old and I was determined to deal with it in a positive way that didnt effect them more than it needed too.

If I get episodes now the boys know that mummy is sad and not feeling well.

I know how hard it can be growing up thinking that your mum wouldnt be like this if it wasnt for me, there is no way I would let my boys think the same

[Linda]

Hi DD - I don't think you will be alone in that and not just where children are concerned...so many of us bottle things up and don't think we can tell anyone let alone those closest to us.

I've copied TMH's comment across from my other blog where she shared her experience - thanks again. x

[Frances Weston]

Great post. In my work with children I find that books tackling difficult subjects in a sensitive, child-friendly way can be really helpful. They help a child to understand the issue and take comfort from knowing that they are not alone in experiencing it. I would recommend 'Why Are You So Sad? A Child's Book About Parental Depression' by Beth Andrews LCSW

[Holly at It's a Mummy's Life]

What a brilliant post Linda. I have been well for a about 9 months now, but it's always in the background, the 'black dog' never that far away. My children are still very small, but this advice will be very useful in years to come. I'm realistic enough to know it's an illness you never quite get rid of.

[Verunka Vlkova]

Thank you for sharing this, it is something so many have to deal with...

[Linda]

Thanks again to Holly for your comment and thank you Verunka for taking the time to comment.

[JFB57 (Julia)]

Such a great post looking at yet another area that we sufferers try to pretend is not happening. Support for all our 'carers' is so important. Really glad to have found this thread. Thank you!

[ashley]

great post

[Almena]

Unbelievable how well-wtirten and informative this was.