Introduced by Lyn Jenkins
When I first read Emma's story, I struggled. I struggled until I realised that as a piece of autobiographical writing it is incredibly effective at communicating the experience of living with Borderline Personality Disorder not only through its words but also through structure, pacing and punctuation. It is the product of a truly talented writer which is even more inspiring when you find out that Emma is dyslexic and had to go through every sentence repeatedly until the work was complete.
Reading it on screen may add to the feeling of disconnection, making it even more powerful. It will reward you for every minute of the effort you spend on it though. Now, over to Emma...
Rage from nowhere, attached to nothing...floating-freely from deep within me and ready in an instant to spew forth in what seem like instantaneously-effortless bursts of unbridled entitlement to give me a sense of power amidst the feelings of helplessness that are my every waking moment. If I am helpless you are too powerful, no, I will be powerful. I will take your power away so you can be helpless. I don't do helpless. I am power. I must have the power. We can't both have the power. I want what is mine. You are mine right? I am not yours though, I cannot be anybody's because I am not even my own. I gave myself to you. We are each other right? I mean, what's the difference?
Fear strikes me from all corners of my being. What, what is it that I am not seeing? Is not what I perceive what is really real? Why is it that I am the only one who sees what I see, just the way that I do? What does this mean? Surely this is what is wrong with the world right? I mean it can't be my problem. I am not afraid. I am not scared or weak or vulnerable. I need you...NO!!...I am strong and I don't need you. If you let me need you I won't want you anymore. And if you say I can't have you then I've got to have you. If you let me have you then I don't want you anymore. I want you when you don't want me and I need you when you won't help me. It is the biting and the pain of this cold distance that I know that somehow is familiar and is the feeling that I need to give me the illusion of safety. If I were truly safe I'd be exposed and not safe at all. Get away by coming closer and come closer by getting away. I am exposed most when I hide and hidden when I try to be who I think I am.
Feeling alone, again, abandoned as always, alone, again. I am everyone and everyone is me. Who am I again? Oh, yeah, that person, and that person, and what does this person, and this person, want. Where does that leave me when I am alone? Who am I then? Do I cease to exist if I am not in the company of someone off whom I can bounce my existence and from whom all of my validation must come?
What is wrong with the world? Why can't they see my pain? Don't they know how incredibly much I hurt? Can't they see that I need them to hold some of this pain for me, validate it, and take it away; for my soul runneth over with agony. Why should I have to bear my own agony? It is not my fault. I didn't do this to me. I didn't choose to hurt like this. I am beside myself with all of this pain and anger and grief as is an infant whose mother is angry with him or her. What do I do with that angry face? It is not acceptable, it is rejecting me...but I NEED it...what am I to do? I don't know what to do so I put it beside me. Whatever it is, I leave it to sit there...and it builds over the course of a lifetime. It builds and it always hurts. It hurts even when I don't feel it at all. I need to get what I need. I'll die if I don't. I'll just die. I am dying to live and in my attempts to live I die.
Part Two of Emma's Story will appear on 17th February 2010.
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