When someone you love is mentally ill: Advice for carers

By Linda Jones

WHEN someone you love is mentally ill, it’s not just their well-being that's affected. Your relationship and family life may also feel the strain.

It’s important that as well as caring for them, that you take time for yourself. If a loved-one has depression, is going through a breakdown, is suffering from anxiety or panic attacks, or is living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, you have to acknowledge that this is bound to have an effect on you.

There is nothing selfish about feeling you need time out. Just as those who are mentally ill shouldn’t feel held back on their road to recovery by negative attitudes surrounding their condition, nor should the carer.

A senior spokeswoman at the Mental Health Foundation says: “It’s important to respond sensitively if someone close to you seems to be suffering from mental distress.

"The most important thing initially is to let them know you’re still there for them, that you care for them and that you accept them whatever problems they’re having.

“If you think outside help is needed, try to persuade your partner or relative to seek help themselves. A GP is a good place to start, or the Samaritans. If they are reluctant, you can contact services yourself, after letting your loved one know this is what you plan to do.”

While an information unit manager at Mind says one of the most important caring strategies is just to listen.

Mind advises: “All too often, others find it hard to listen. Instead, they interrupt to talk about themselves or to tell the person what they should do or how they should feel. If you can listen well, the person may be able to talk in a way that could help them feel better.”

The MHF adds: “Someone with a mental health problem often finds it hard to be their ‘usual self’. This can affect those around them quite profoundly – family and friends may feel out of depth, frustrated or drained emotionally. They may end up feeling more of a carer than a friend or partner, and it’s important to recognize that support they can give may have limits.”

It’s also important that the person who is ill, does all they can to help themselves. You can encourage them to:

• Take regular exercise.

 • Join a group where they can talk about their problems,

• Take part in an activity they enjoy

• If they don’t feel like going out, encourage them to join appropriate supportive groups online.

If someone who is mentally ill has children then the whole family needs to understand that their behaviour is the result of an illness - and that nobody is to blame.

“Children will cope with the situation better if they understand clearly that their parent is ill and is not to blame for what is happening, and that their parent still loves them, no matter what problems they may be experiencing.

“Having as stable a home environment as possible will also help a child’s resilience. If the child has interests and friends outside the home, they will also do much better.”

Overall, being there for your loved one is paramount. Kathryn says: “Mental health problems are so misunderstood that just by being there in a compassionate and understanding way, you can help your loved one on the way to recovery.

“Sometimes, someone with a mental health problem will want their friends and family to offer support by just acting as ‘normal’ as possible in the circumstances.” Further support, advice and information is available from:

• The Mental Health Foundation 

• Mind 

• Carers UK 

• The Princess Royal Trust for Carers 

This article was written for the NHS Choices website.

Comments

[Liz (LivingwithKids)]

I think this is a great post - really helpful and informative.

[Nickie]

This post highlights everything that is wrong with the support available for the partners/carers of people with mental health issues. The advice from the Mental Health Foundation is too generalised and patronising. In my experience, the GP has been unwilling to listen to the partner (me), the sufferer (him) does not want to do "normal" things like exercise, join a group or even participate in something online because of their sense of ill worth and failure. There is such a lack of assistance and advice available for the carer/partner and even if you dig deep (and believe me, I've spent the last 10 years digging) the only help available is a few ill-written leaflets and the advice of people who haven't actually been in your situation.

These comments are in no way a slur on the "Breaking The Silence" admin, after all, you are only posting the information available and the article was originally written for another publication.

[Linda]

Hi Nickie, yes I think there were similar comments when this was originally posted on the NHS website. I think the advice is well meaning and a general starting point for people who find themselves in this situation and the aim of the piece was to help carers recognise that they also need a break and not feel bad about that but as you say if you have a loved one and need specific, practical and effective help, it doesn't go anywhere near covering it. We don't take negative or constructive feedback about articles posted personally and consider that a blog is an excellent place to publish such experiences, we hope we can continue to inspire the trust in readers to be able to share their experiences away from the well-meaning - but very general - advice of senior professionals.
x

[Dan]

Most NHS Mental Health Trusts have dedicated carer support workers (I know ours do) who in my experience are very good. However these may only be available if the person with mental health issues is involved in secondry services (i.e. has a CPN or a consultant psychatrist).

GPs may not even know about them - it's worth ringing the community mental health team and asking. You will probably need to be refereed though.

These workers can give advice about what support networks are available, as well as eduction about the mental illness and ways in which to deal with that person (not that carers don't already know that of course).

They can also act as advocates in dealing with the MH system.

This is what happens in the trust i work in anyhow, other trusts may vary.

[Linda]

Thanks Dan for your very valued input.

[Nickie]

Hi again Linda. I always feel very negative when I talk about the support (or lack thereof) that we've had regarding my partner's MH and I know that there are some wonderful services out there. We've been living in limbo for so long because I can support so well (seemingly - most of the time that's not the case).

This blog is going to be a great source of information/experience for many people, including myself.

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